How to be a Student for Life.

Arrange your birth into a wealthy family. Elicit enormous amounts of attention from your parents. Surround yourself with educational toys. Supplemental learning devices. Books. Use big words. Consume knowledge like breakfast cereal.

When you are twelve years old, you score higher on the SATs than most high school seniors. Then you get an A+ on an essay you wrote the night before. Note to self: Amass a gigantic reserve of untapped intelligence. Never use it.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, begin the drinking. “Oh, the pressure!” you say when they asked you why you puked out the third-story window of the frat house. Construct stories of your over-controlling parents. Your perfectionist-to-a-fault personality. Cry over typos. Negotiate extensions on papers. Go out every night.

Really dwell on the parents thing. That way, when they come for Parents’ Weekend your friend will pull them aside and tell them how worried she is about you. You have the long talk. A semester off is just what you need.

While working twenty hours a week at the Burrito Barn, begin doing drugs. Nothing too extreme. Some pot. Mushrooms. Acid is nice. Go skiing. Miss a few of your shifts. Okay, a lot of your shifts. Drive thirteen hours to see some band like Phish or Widespread. Gamble in Vegas. When you run out of money you send your parents a postcard. Write this: “I think I’m ready to go back.”

Six years later. Graduation is on a square of green grass in front of the library. Your grandmother asks you what your plans are. Realize you have never been in the library. “Grad school,” you say.

You discover the greatest tool in the library: the copy machine. Your papers are flawless, they say. Brilliant. Especially your thesis, which wins some award. They want to know, for the local journal--what inspired you? “My parents.” A check arrives immediately. Cash it.

Smoke a cigarette with your professor. He can find you a job. Blow smoke slowly out of the corner of your mouth. There’s this school in Vermont. You could get in easily, with your test scores. A job would be fine, you say, but there’s just so much more to learn. Check to see if he’s buying it.

The program starts in four short months.